When your husband leaves you- what to do with your end of the rubber band.

In his book Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, author John Gray famously wrote out the Rubber Band theory. In this theory, he explains in detail why men often will pull away from their partners seemingly out of the blue, leaving their lady to wonder, ” What happened? ” He writes that after closeness and intimacy men need to regain their sense of self before being ready for more intimacy, that they need to have that space to long for and miss their mate. He says that once the man goes to the end of his rubber band, he will bounce back to you. But what about when your husband leaves you? Does this same theory apply? Do you just allow him space to miss you and hope for the best? What if the reasons are far more serious than just needing a little space? What if your husband leaves you to chase sin? To go see the grass on the other side of the fence? Will adhering to the principle of giving him space work to bring him back to you?  And as a christian, is using the rubber band theory even a godly thing to do?

Let me introduce you to my long-standing christian twist on this theory and how it ties in to when your husband leaves you:

Imagine a large rubber band. One end is connected to your husband, and the other  end to you. In this image your husband is running from you, but as you chase and pursue him the band never gets tension, you’re already so close behind. Nothing ever changes. When your husband leaves you, you want to have a tension on that band!

Now imagine you take off your end of the rubber band and  hook it to gods anchor. Your hubby keeps running but since you’re not chasing him and  instead trusting in god, a tension is now pulling on the rubber band the further out he gets. Being connected to your end on the anchor towards god, one day he’s going to bounce back home.

So are you reading this and thinking: “That’s great and all Beth, but what if the rubber band breaks? And he runs forever?”
I’d say to you I know it hurts bad, but be thankful you’re not forever chasing someone who will forever run from the Lord.

So what IS one to do when your husband leaves you? Here are some tips that may help:

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1.Allow God the time and Space to work in your heart,and your husbands heart. Spending time trying to chase him, change him, convince him, or manipulate the situation in any way only hinders the work the Lord is doing. This is  because it takes the focus off of God and onto you. If he’s frequently being reminded of your love and devotion and/or pleas to come home etc. there’s not much room for him to focus on other things- like his own inner self. He’s too busy making justifications to you. So, allow God to step in in your place to speak to your husbands heart. God is bigger than creation- he can handle this too.

2.Give him space by filling your space to capacity with God honoring things. Want to join that church group finally? Go for it! Do you have an opportunity to serve in your community? Now is the best time! How about a hobby you’ve always wanted to dabble in, or maybe you can create a monthly girls night in with hors d’oeuvre and girl talk, or finally go through that bucket list. The sky is the limit! There are so many things you can do with your time that bring you joy, and that will grow you into the confident godly woman the Lord is creating in you!

3.   Eliminate the things that will trigger you to chase him. Maybe that means you turn your cell phone off during work, or you refrain from having that second glass of wine as you know if you do you will have an unstoppable urge to text him. Know your triggers ahead of time and have a plan to combat them.

4.Keep encouraging bible verses posted around your world. Have one posted in your wallet, on your fridge, on the car dashboard, wherever you find a helpful visual would be good. Gods word is powerful, and his promises are never broken. When the urge to reach out and run after him rises up in you, fight it back with scripture. Scriptural truths  are the best tools to use in this battle over the rubber band.Click Here For FREE PRINTABLE VERSES to start with!. 

5.Seek Godly women who will encourage you during this time to grow in your faith and support you as you fight for your marriage. Having this type of support will help you stay on the path with the Lord. Don’t know anyone who you think you can talk to? We offer a secret online community of women going through this experience, you are welcome to join us here (It’s private, and free!)

So when your husband leaves you, either emotionally, physically, or both, keep these tips in mind as you secure your end of the rubber band to Gods anchor in your heart. Let God do the pulling, and you rest in his presence and Grace as you grow in your faith and seek righteousness.

When He Says I Don’t Love You Anymore, A Christian Guidebook For Wives in the Battle For Their Marriages

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  1. Laurie says:

    My husband left almost 2 weeks ago. He’s staying at his moms house & I’m at our house with our 3 year old. He said he’s not happy with our relationship or himself and “everything” and hasn’t been in a long time. He says he has a lot of bitterness towards me. When he looks at me, I can see the bitterness. We’re both going to counselling, separately. He goes twice a week & I go once a week. He still tells me he loves me when we talk, but the air between us is tense.
    I miss him so much and want him to come home. He says he can’t because we’ll be back at square one & then that’ll push us back on our progress & when he’s ready, he’ll come home.
    I miss him like crazy. I want to beg/plead. But I know that’s only gonna push him away. But it’s so hard.

    1. Beth says:

      This is a super hard place to be in. Its encouraging that you are both still attending counseling. While its hard and it hurts and its not right, its not what God designed marriage to be, your husband is right. The best thing you can do is allow his space. You stick close to Gods anchor and let him run out to the end of that rubber band. Husbands never come home (at least for very long) because of begging/pleading or trying to manipulate or persuade. It truly takes time and has to come from the heart. In the meantime, now is the best time to grow in you and in your relationship with God. Adding your family to my prayers tonight, God Bless <3

    2. Lindsey says:

      Laurie, I read your situation and I literally felt like I wrote those exact words! Mine too left 2 weeks ago and I’m alone with my 3 year old! Please feel free to email me for a friend to talk to, an ear to scream in. I feel so alone and want the same. Please don’t hesitate to reach out! We’re two of the same right now! God bless!!!

  2. Becky says:

    What happens when your husband wants to leave but you both still live in the same house? We have 3 children and he works long hours so we are still going through the motions of husband and wife just not communicating other than about the kids.

    1. Beth says:

      Hi Becky, I’m sorry ya’ll are going through this. That is super hard! As far as the question as it relates to this article, we’ve found that the same applies. Its not beneficial to do any chasing/pleading/pushing of the subject while the husband is still under the same roof, but rather to allow time and space, while a wife continues to treat her husband in ways that are god honoring, but that also preserve healthy boundaries that promote reconciliation. I will be adding your family to my prayers today <3

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