Are you fighting to save your marriage?
Has your spouse checked out and now you’re trying to figure out how to get them to return?
You are not alone. There are literally thousands of others in the same shoes. I also wore these shoes at one point in my life. Over time we figured our way out of that chapter of our lives and I’ve since resolved to help many more find their way. I even created a secret group for other women going through this to have a place to come and talk and not feel so alone, as well as to gain wisdom and insight into what works, and what doesn’t.
There is no cookie cutter formula for this. No two stories are alike. But, there are things we’ve found that DEFINITELY won’t help your case to save your marriage, and one thing that will, and I’m here to share them with you today!
**Disclaimer* If you are experiencing abuse whether physical or emotional, or you or your spouse are battling serious addictions, please seek the help you need. This website is not a marriage ministry that encourages standing to save your marriage at all costs including compromising your health and safety**
- Don’t plead/chase/or beg. Just don’t. And if you are, stop now. This is the NUMBER ONE thing that will kill your efforts to save your marriage. Whether you are a wife or a husband who is standing for your marriage, pleading/chasing/or begging will absolutely push the other person away further. Now, I understand the incredibly intense feeling of “please don’t do this”, especially when you don’t feel you have any other option and you see your dreams for your family and marriage literally slipping away in front of you with total helplessness. I get it completely. But- its only going to do the complete opposite of what you are wanting. And really, you don’t want someone to return because you had to beg if you are honest with yourself. You want them to return out of conviction in their heart it’s the right thing to do. You want them to return because they choose to and see the value in it. Not because you groveled. And nobody ever feels good about themselves when they have to stoop to grovel. It only compounds the problem. After a good grovel session, the groveler feels even worse about their action and continues to dig the hole even deeper with more texting/explaining/apologizing for it. The best way to avoid going down that endless rabbit hole? Don’t even go near it. Don’t plead/chase or beg. Capiche? Perfect.
- Don’t share all your problems with all your friends, family, his friends and family, or the world wide web. Are you hurting? Absolutely, but you need a safe place you can process your feelings. This could be a counselor, a close friend who you can trust, a pastor, a life coach etc. The problem is when you air all your issues to the world, that horrible game of telephone happens where people talk and the truth gets blurred and all of a sudden all the wrong things get back to your spouse at the wrong time, which is only going to push them away. You want to come across as discerning, graceful, and mysterious. Not vengeful, or a gossip with everything on the table for all to see. Also, down the road if your marriage is restored, now ALL these people will have negative memories and thoughts about your spouse, and that will make for some uncomfortable situations. So, learn to choose wisely who to trust and speak to. Don’t have anyone? Check out our secret group here. (It’s Free!) Speaking of the internet- no sharing cryptic messages or images or articles you “hope” they will see. Take your focus off of how you will reach them, and return it to you. How can you use this time to rediscover fabulous you?
- Don’t send him or her quotes, scriptures, books or articles trying to reach them and persuade them. Ohh I know exactly how this goes. You read something and think, my spouse HAS GOT TO SEE THIS. This will explain to them what I’ve been trying to say. This will spark a thought, this will make them think. Here’s the truth, if your spouse is so disconnected and detached and gone in their mind, this won’t do what you might hope. This will only remind them of how they just aren’t on the same page as you. For more on this read Show Vs. Tell
- Don’t be so afraid to lose them that you are scared to set healthy boundaries. This is a controversial topic for many, but the truth is once your spouse has made the choice to move out or have an affair or file for divorce, boundaries that protect your heart, and draw a line that says “I’m valuable” will do more good in your soul and even in your spouses eyes than you can believe right now. Boundaries that say you value your heart, your time, your space, and your body. Boundaries should always be set with love and truth, and kindness, but also firmly. For more help with boundaries check out this course.
- Don’t lose yourself in the process. Take time to take care of you. Now more than ever, you need to keep up with interests, activities, and the things that make you YOU. Perseverating on the current situation only depletes your soul and resolve to fight the good fight. Isolating yourself will only ensure you are chained to your anxious thoughts and fears. Yes having downtime to rest is important, but make sure you are also caring for yourself in positive ways. Sometimes its as simple as taking a walk, or picking up a book. Whatever you do, don’t lose yourself in the process.
These are some top things that come to mind as I think of the things that we’ve found consistently over time aren’t helpful when standing to save your marriage.
So, what will help you?
Knowing Jesus. Honestly and truthfully. I’ve had many years of hot and cold with my relationship with Jesus as I experienced life, and had my questions and doubts. However, when I went through my own season of marital struggle, knowing Jesus was the only last chance I had after I tried everything in my own power. And it became more than just what I already knew. I started asking the hard questions to my most godly friends. I sought a 1:1 Christian mentor to help me understand, to learn and to grow in my faith so that I would know the steps God wanted me to take. I believe it was in the knowing Jesus, and learning to walk in his ways did we start to heal. Knowing Jesus isn’t a guarantee of restoration, I can’t promise that. But, knowing him will change you into exactly who you’re supposed to be, and where God wants you to go next. And when we chase instead after God’s will, we are in for amazing things.
1 Corinthians 2:9 “However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived”— the things God has prepared for those who love him”