The bashing of husbands: an insidious disease in todays’ culture.

When girl talk turns to discussion about relationships and husbands, it can be a very supportive and constructive way to gain valuable insight from those who’ve been there.  It can be a way to express a fear or concern, knowing your closest girls will have a hug and most likely a comforting word. With those we trust, it can be a way  to “vent” in a healthy way, but then get honest and sincere feedback on the most loving way to press forward at home.

It can also turn into husband bashing, where the wives start lamenting all the perceived terrible things about their husbands, with no resolution but to claim how awful men are and how annoyed the women are. The women somehow feel justified, powerful, and united, but at the expense of the men they actually truly love.

If this is you, keep this in mind: Our thoughts become our words and actions at home with our husbands.



Proverbs 18:6-7 Says:
“The lips of fools bring them strife, and their mouths invite a beating.  The mouths of fools are their undoing, and their lips are a snare to their very lives.”

If you are filling your marriage with negative thoughts, they will become your words and actions. You will start to see your husband in the light of the bash fest, and you will even feel justified in it. Our thoughts and actions spill over into how we interact with our spouse. When we increase in negative interactions, we are setting our marriages up for failure. Instead of recognizing we should stop partaking in the bash fests, we increase our lamentations in the bash fest, further snowballing the effect.

A few years ago, my eyes were blown wide open right in the middle of a bash fest.  Reeling from the pain of my own fresh wounds in a marriage suffering at the time, my girlfriends came over with food and wine and well-meaning friendship to console me.  Before I knew it, the bash fest started. I believe it was their good intention to share their own complaints to comfort me, as women do, to show our sisters they are not alone. But as I sat there in my own tears, yearning for everything to be better in my marriage, I listened to them. At one point, I heard, “He’s just so stupid, he’s just an idiot” from one of my friends referring to her significant other. I thought back to all the years I wasted not loving my spouse better, and not taking care of and protecting his heart, and an anger grew in me towards these bash fests for the first time.  I thought to myself, if my friends only knew how great they have it. If they only knew that if they don’t knock it off, they will be in my shoes. Hurting. Missing my spouse. Wanting to start over, and not knowing if I will ever get the chance again. In my newly convicted heart, I rose up against the bash fest, and confronted my friend. “Are you telling us you are in love with a stupid man? You are in love with an idiot?”

The group fell silent. Nobody had an answer but a few stammers…. “Well I uh…Well I….”

and that was the end of the bashing of husbands in my life.

If you partake in these group husband bash fests and think it’s innocent bonding, here’s the danger- complaining and blaming the men in our lives, takes the responsibility from our own shoulders in our part of the relationship.  It excuses us from what we may have done to contribute to the issue. And maybe we did nothing to contribute to the issue, but continuing to bash our men, doesn’t invite a positive conversation that will open up discussions towards great resolutions. Simply put- it is doing nothing to improve your relationship. And if you are complaining about your relationship, isn’t that the goal? Don’t you want to improve it? Ephesians 4:29 instructs us instead with this:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” In other words, instead choose words that are helpful for our friends according to their needs. Sometimes the words we choose do need to be the truth in love, but nevertheless, words that build, not tear down. For those who love an example, Instead of, “My husband doesn’t get it either. Men can be so ignorant to our needs”, your words could be something like, “We sometimes struggle in that area too. And while it can be frustrating, here’s what has been helpful to us…. etc”. See? Huge difference. One tears down and leaves no opening for a resolution thus continuing the cycle, the other affirms the friends’ feelings without husband bashing, and seeks a positive resolution.

Another thing to consider is this- after a relationships and husbands bash fest, the next time your friends are around your husband, they will know all the awful things you said about him. They will see him in this light now. Is this truly what you want?

Also, let’s say the tables were turned. Your husband joins in with the guys, and complains and complains about you to them. You have no voice, it’s just him telling a one-sided piece to the story in a bashing way. Would you not be hurt? Our husbands have feelings too, and if we want to start having better marriages, we need to honor our men, and their feelings as well.

So, if you’re with me, share this message, let’s end the culture of husband bashing, one ladies night at a time!

God Bless,
Beth Kelly

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Comments

  1. Way too much husband bashing going on. I think that’s the way society is trending, which is too bad. Thanks for the positive side and for standing up for our men!

  2. Allison says:

    Beth, these words are SO important. “Husband bashing” is so rampant in our culture that it seems to have become the norm – so much so that I’ve even witnessed it in Women’s Bible Study groups. This post is chock-full of TRUTH. Thanks for sharing your beautiful heart.

  3. Beth, this had me crying. Your story and testimony was so awesome and so needed for us women. Love your boldness. After I went through a divorce, this is one thing the Lord showed me I had to ask my ex husband forgiveness for. Every time we had issues I ran to friends and we all tore our spouses apart and then I took it back into the home. Even after I got saved in our marriage, I would still continue to do this with a few of my close friends, I thought I was doing better by only choosing selective friends, but the negative thoughts still turned into negative words, which then turned into a negative home.
    Although my marriage ended with him choosing the divorce and with a reason I hope no one would ever have to bear, I sought after God immensely to have full forgiveness for him and the Lord actually told me to go ask for his forgiveness for all the times I tore him down as a husband and man. My eyes opened so wide to all the visions I had hurt him with my words as a wife that was created to build a husband up. That was life changing for me.
    In my marriage now, I do not do this. I seek counsel if needed, but most importantly I seek God during my distress and He gives me grace in my marriage with a man that also seeks God.
    Thank you for sharing!

    1. Beth says:

      Carmen, Oh girl thank you so much for sharing your story too! Wow. Well that explains your awesome blog name! 🙂 Amazing when God opens our eyes to what he wants us to see. I had to do a lot of the same admitting and asking for forgiveness. ALOT. I am so happy to hear about how God worked in your story. You hit the nail on the head. GRACE. That is my favorite word. God gives us grace when we mess up and we truly seek his forgiveness. And he does create beautiful things from our broken places- congratulations on your new marriage! God is so good!

  4. A thousand times yes and Amen! I couldn’t agree with you more. This is awesome!

  5. Boom! Thank your for sharing this! It is so needed!

  6. Beth says:

    Thank you everyone for all your feedback and responses, I am so grateful it was received in a relatable way, and my hope is it will keep reaching those who truly mean well, but are missing this kind of information. God Bless!

  7. Tiffany H. says:

    Thank you for this reminder! It’s so easy to criticize the one we chose ‘forever’, for some crazy reason. Great comeback with ‘So you’re in love with a stupid man?’. It helps put things in perspective. I need to appreciate my husband better and make sure that others know how highly I think of him. Thanks for the homework. 😉 God bless!

  8. Ana says:

    In the past, I have had my fair share of bashing my husband with family and friends. And though we may forgive him, others still hold on to what what said about him. Learned the hard way that this is one of the worst things we can do as wives. Thank you for offering sound advice from your own experiences. I enjoyed reading your post!

  9. Sabrina says:

    This is an excellent message. Husband bashing is indeed a HUGE problem and does nothing to help or improve a relationship, it only drives a deeper and deeper wedge and increases the discontent. Thank you for sharing your experience in learning this lesson!

  10. Oh this is SUCH an important message, Beth! I have witnessed many of these bashings, and it always is so disheartening to hear. I have to watch my own self ‘proclamations’ too- because I can feel that desire to share a complaint or a flippant sarcastic remark concerning my husband at times- and I’m always convicted of using discernment and respect whenever I speak of him. We must address our grievances with honor and respect, just as we would want them to do for us.

    This message is dear to my heart. THANK you for sharing it.

  11. kathy says:

    Important post with wise words! I would never allow a husband bashing fest..although years ago before I was a Christian, my best friend did this often, I listened with knots in my stomach. Now I would speak up in love. Visiting from Christian Bloggers Unite today!

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