Miscarriage is still a subject many keep hush hush about. It’s personal. It’s sad. It’s still not talked about much. When I had my first miscarriage, it was a lonely and painful place to be. It also happened to be Christmas.
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I remember sitting in the bathroom looking at that dollar store test….. positive! My hopes and dreams were coming true! I wanted this baby so much. We had tried for so long, and to find out during the holiday season what a joy!
I knew I should wait a little while to tell people, but of course I told my husband and my mom. I also told a close co-worker of mine who was also trying to conceive.
A few weeks later, signs of miscarriage were present. I researched it til I’d scoured every corner of the world. Chances were, I was losing this baby. I didn’t want to believe it. I justified my symptoms.
I decided to make a doctors’ appointment. I wanted the doctor to tell me my symptoms were perfectly normal and calm my fears.
The doctor ran some tests but was honest this was not looking hopeful. I was pretty devastated. He asked me to return for the test results in the office, and he told me on my way out, “You never know, maybe we’ll get good news for Christmas.”
I hoped in this, but knew my chances were slim.
When I returned for the results, the doctor let me know that I was indeed having an early miscarriage.
I cried all the way home. I shouted at the Lord, “You knew how much I wanted this baby! And to take this gift away from me at Christmas time? What did I ever do to deserve such a thing!”
The next few days I had to go to work. I remember the agony of the painful secret I was keeping. As I smiled at co-workers and patients, I was literally losing my baby.
At family Christmas celebrations, I was still in the actual process of miscarriage and yet nobody knew. I remember smiling and wishing a Merry Christmas, and attempting to laugh with them as my heart was breaking inside. The innocent teasings about “When are you two going to start having kids? It’s your turn!” were almost more than I could bear!
On Christmas Eve, we attended Church as we usually do. We picked a spot in the back. My choice. I wasn’t in a cheerful, sitting in the front kind of mood. I was too sad.
As the opening hymns began playing, a young family came to sit in front of us. They were cradling a newborn baby. I said to God in my mind, ” Lord seriously! Of all the places they could sit! They just HAD to sit in front of me! So I could look at this newborn beautiful precious gift you let THEM keep, but not me. You didn’t let me keep mine!”
I was hurting and bitter and having so much difficulty holding onto the joy of the holiday.
I sat there and felt sorry for myself for awhile. Then the sermon started. The pastor started in about the Christmas Story. I’d heard it all before. I’d heard it in every way you could spin it.
But this night, the verse from Isaiah 9:6, “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace,” hit me in a new way.
This time, I heard it as if it were just for me. “For to US a child is born. God gave us HIS son. And HE will be a Counselor to us, the Prince of Peace.”
It was as if God ignored my tantrums, and instead covered me with his amazing grace whispering in my ear, “I have already given you the gift of my own baby son. I brought him into this world for you. He is all you need. And by the way, I love you.”
I went home that Christmas eve with a new peace in my heart. Maybe I would never conceive, I couldn’t know, but I had baby Jesus and that brought me immense peace. He would be my joy, my peace, my counselor, and my guide towards Gods’ will for my life.
Since that miscarriage, my relationship with Jesus has grown many fold. He has been all those things that God called him to be. He has been my Mighty God, my Wonderful Counselor, and my Prince of Peace. Life hasn’t been all of a sudden perfect, but with perfect Jesus, it has been so much more than I could have dreamed of without him.
If you are reading this, and you’ve suffered the same loss, please know I’m praying for you, and that you too can hold onto the peace that the baby Jesus brings us, and a hope renewed.