I love you but… I’m not “in love” with you.

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”. This sentence is uttered to countless married  men and women every day.  Usually the person who says it truly means it. Or at least, what they believe love in marriage should be. So, let’s talk about that.

Let’s start with our vows. What kinds of things do we vow on our wedding day? Well obviously we know the promise to love, to honor, to cherish, etc until death do us part. Please tell me where in the vows does it say….. Or at least until that “loving feeling is gone”.

It Doesn’t.

Let’s look at the vows again. The first line- I promise to LOVE.

How can we promise a feeling? Did we just assume our feelings would never change? Did we commit our lives to our spouse based off AN ASSUMPTION? I really hope not!

Let me honestly share with you about my feelings over the years of marriage: Lust, “Love”, Irritation, Love, Annoyed, Angry, Distant, Love, hopeless, Lust, Like, Love and so on. Ever changing.

When we get married, we promise to love. Our feelings are always changing. There have been seasons I do not like my spouse so much, but I choose to love him. There are days I can’t stand my spouse. I still choose to love him. I vowed to do so. I did not vow “unless my feelings change”.

Am I stuck choosing to love someone because of a vow?

The answer is no.

I’m not stuck. I am privileged to be able to experience through the process what a deep love is. I am privileged to know what it means to choose to extend grace when I think my spouse has fallen short of my expectations.  And, I’ve been privileged to receive that grace as well, as grace poured out can mean grace in return. And you know what, the more grace a couple gives each other, the more the marriage thrives!

I’m privileged to learn what patience is. When my spouse falls short of my expectations, I have learned that when I am patient, God shows me the way. When I seek God, he shows me where he is working and why I need to be patient. And I’m always glad I was.

I’m privileged to know the art of letting go. I can let go of the little things and even some of the bigger things as I know I am choosing to love. I also know that there isn’t a single person on this earth who I won’t have to learn to let certain things go with.  Why start all over with someone new to be in the same boat eventually? Makes no sense but people do it ALL THE TIME.

I am privileged to know my self worth. My self worth doesn’t come from my marriage. It comes from the Lord. I don’t get hung up on if someone else is making me feel on top of the world, because I know that feeling is new and fleeting and won’t last. I trust that Im standing on top of the world with God. Forever and Always.

Have you said these words to your spouse? I urge you to think a lot more about it.  Imagine meeting someone new. Someone amazing. Everything is so awesome….. initially. But inevitably, as ALL relationships do, the excitement fizzles, and the realities hit. You WILL be in the same boat. I encourage you, choose your spouse. Choose to love your spouse. Don’t chase the mirage.

Do you not like your spouse right now? Okay- it WILL pass.

Are you unhappy with them right now? Tell them. And start working together on things.

Do you not love them right now? It may be true in your heart, but there have been many men and women who brought this burden to the Lord, and they were able to see their spouse through the God’s eyes… and the love not only returned, but returned more powerful than ever.

Your marriage, AND your feelings CAN be restored. I’ve known countless marriages (including my own) that weathered the storms and grew their love so deep it is unmatched by todays’ ideals.

For the spouses who’ve spoken with God about this and are planning an exit and even think God is okay with it- No, he’s not.  God hates divorce.  He says in Malachi 2:16 “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, The God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect.” says the Lord Almighty. “So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.”

He knows what it does to people emotionally and financially. He knows how it destroys people, and families, and children. He hates it.

But it’s not hopeless. God CAN restore your marriage. God can bring a new and amazing love there, even a  “HOT” love.  But you have to seek him, and you have to study his words of instruction to you on how to get there. He truly wants you to enjoy your marriage, and he WILL help you!

If you are in this boat, all is not lost. Your feelings can return. For more questions or resources feel free to send your query to email@myinnerrapunzel.com

If you are on the receiving end of these words, check out How to Save Your Marriage Against All Odds, When He Says I don’t Love You AnymoreHow to save your marriage resources, and definitely check out our secret Facebook group.

Yours Truly and God Bless,


*disclaimer- if you are in an abusive marriage or one ridden with addiction, please get help. Your safety is priority.

When He Says I Don’t Love You Anymore, A Christian Guidebook For Wives in the Battle For Their Marriages

For More Marriage Resources Click Here


Sign-Up Here for your FREE saving your marriage resource list,

Free Ebook “Reclaiming Hope and Joy In Your Marriage”,

and next steps to join our secret group! ( group is optional)

Like what you read? Share here! 🙂


  1. Sherrie Jordan says:

    I wish I had this advice 17 years ago. My family probably would still be intact!

  2. Jennie says:

    Interesting. I especially was drawn to your last comments regarding those who might be involved in abusive relationships. You may be interested in checking out my last two blogs on my site; The Good Old Days-Part 3 and Domestic Violence-Statistically Speaking regarding this subject matter. If you ever need any assistance with this subject matter, feel free to contact me.

    1. Beth says:

      Thank You Jennie, yes this article was written for the every day marriages struggling, but I know enough to know that abusive marriages is an entirely different topic. Thank you for your reach out as a resource for anyone in these shoes, and your important work in that area. God Bless you!

  3. Amber Harrop says:

    This is such relavent advice for me at the moment

    1. Beth says:

      Amber I’m so glad and hope it was helpful in some way. If you are interested in any further resources don’t hesitate to shoot me an e-mail at email@myinnerrapunzel.com
      God Bless!

      1. Debbie says:

        This was a confirmation of what I believe. I have heard those words from my husband. He believes he is “in love” with someone else. The interesting thing is that in his actions toward me shows me that he does love me. He is equating “in love” with lust and feelings of desire. Does he have those feelings towards me, nope. But he shows me love every day in the support and kindness he shows, in the way he has helped me deal with my mother’s Alzheimer’s and getting her into a nursing home. In helping my father through the adjustment. He shows love in the respect he shows me and the trust he places in me. He shows love by spending time with me and doing things together that we both enjoy. He shows me the deep and true kind of love that gives and supports in the hard times. He just doesn’t see these things as love, because there is no romance and sexual attraction on his part. But I know that if it is God’s will for us, those feelings will return. So I stand for our marriage with God and trust that God will take care of me as I wait on Him.

        1. Beth says:

          Hi Debbie thank you for your comment <3 Yes so many confuse "in love" with fleshly lust and positive feelings that are short lived in the grand scheme of things. Praying for you as you go navigate this difficult chapter in your marriage. It is so hard.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *